Hallucinogenic bushes

I went for a cross country ride on my bike tonight after work, desperately trying to prepare myself for Friday's weekly weigh in, and determined not to suffer the serial humiliation of putting on more pounds when I'm supposed to be losing them.

The route I discovered this evening is a 40-minute circuit of bridle ways and country lanes, and includes a couple of climbs -- one near the end -- which are really good for building stamina. This could become my habitual summer evening ride, particularly as: there are big fields of oil seed rape, which means I can get all contaminated and hoarse and watery eyed; there'll be swarms of insects to swallow, particularly when I'm gasping my way up that final climb towards home; there are lots of birds and animals to look at; there's a very pretty village in a hollow, with a fat stream running through it -- this will doubtless inspire stories about (a) 17th century English life after the Civil War, (b) Stephen King-esque tales about Lycra-clad cyclists who stepped into the corn for a pee, and who were never seen again, and (c) Woolfian rhapsodies about simplicity and the beauty of being, poised in the golden sunset light while pondering mortality and whether you left the oven on.

Also: the rabbits here are enormous. I did wonder whether the heavily-scented white blossoms on the trees lining the bridle way had some hallucinogenic properties, but I finally decided that this mammalian gargantuanism was more likely to be a product of (a) radiation-inspired mutation and (b) good country living. I mean, these adult rabbits were the size of cats. Their stride covered 3 foot six. When one of them "had a word" with me, it was in a basso profundo voice that Phil Mitchell would have been proud of.

Now...if the rabbits are the size of cats, then the badgers will be as big as labradors. And the sheep will be like cattle. It therefore follows, irrefutably, that the so-called "big cats" sighted in various locations around the country are nothing more than guinea pigs gone wild, and giganticised by stray beta particles and too much scrumpy/organic bread. It's so obvious, I don't know why it's not in all the papers.