Things I don't understand today (1)

1. My automatic behaviour I've been eating really healthily these past few days, and exercising well. Today, though, I woke up a bit lethargic and distractible: I could tell that it would be a day where I might get a bit keyed-up and excitable. But I didn't connect that feeling with my plans for what I should eat and drink -- instead, I went for the things that my body craved. For breakfast, I had (liberally) buttered toast, and then some more toast. Carbs and fat a go-go. I had some coffee, too. Three cups. This all added to my slightly edgy feeling (I reminded myself of the Harry Goldfarb character from Requiem for a Dream -- but four stone heavier). Next up, I had a meeting that contained an element of intense exasperation. When I wrote up the meeting minutes, I was so distracted that I left out a big chunk of stuff, then sent off the minutes without a vital attachment. I decided I needed some fresh air and a cake. (Actually, I didn't consciously decide about the patisserie component -- my body slipped that in under my consciousness' radar umbrella.)
   
   By this stage, as you might gather, I'm starting to feel a bit like a robot, controlled by an embedded logic that I don't have access to. I couldn't get a space in the shops' car park -- it was unusually full, and richly supplied with numpties who couldn't make up their minds where to go. In my wired state, impatience and frustration cut in after 278.4 nanoseconds, and I executed a nifty, scowling three-point turn and headed for Sainsbury's instead. They have an immense car park. On the way back to work, I suddenly felt flooded with well-being...that 'Friday afternoon' sense of peace and well-being, when you know that you're going to have all the time you want to do whatever you like; that feeling you used to get in July when you were a kid, the sense that the whole summer was in front of you, with each day an endless stretch of responsibility-free, sunlit freedom.
   
   I have no idea where that post-Sainsbury's euphoria came from...surely not just the prospect of my snail-shaped Viennese whirl? (These cakes could also double as Princess Leia-style hair extensions: must buy two next time.) Wherever it came from, it made the rest of the afternoon a real pleasure to be in (although I'm sure the people who share the office might disagree). I also lunched on fruit, sushi, and a small sandwich. And a (liberally buttered, of course) hot cross bun. I smelt like a hot cross bun for a while -- there are worse things...
   
   Then, when I got home, I felt a dreary lassitude creeping over me: itchy eyes, achey shoulders, lack of concentration. Odd. Tomorrow I'm back on my bike...maybe I've rapidly become addicted to exercise, and my weird energy oscillations are related to that?


2. My inwardness:I used to be really engaged with the external world -- especially with pub-based socialising, and with politics/activism. I used to be engaged with 'big issues', with changing the world through argument and politics. But that's all slipped away: as this blog demonstrates, my attention is mostly inwardly focused -- navel, fundament, etc. How did that happen?